Enter The Madness

panda_pants @ 2007-07-13T00:40:00

2007-07-13T04:52:26Z

So, I should update this thing, right? Working at IE as a real staff member (can't type the real name or the PR people get an e-mail. It's freaky-deaky). Didn't get the position I wanted, but it's a job. I'm in the library, not the news room, which is like another planet when you compare the two. People are nice and friendly and my boss is really supportive. Everyday he tells us we did a great job. The job itself is nothing I can't handle. It's one of things that takes practice to get in a groove but nothing hard. I watch tapes and log what's on them, which means I write a little description and mark when all the major events happens, which is usually pretty easy but sometimes it's life 5 seconds of this celebrity, 5 seconds of that celebrity for an hour, which is annoying but whateves. It's part-time which is annoying, but I'll survive and I am still keeping an eye out cause bitch I need benefits and a consistent paycheck cause I'm a grown-up.
Been living with Sean for almost 2 months and it's been great. We've really gotten into a groove. The Harry cat is with us and that helps a lot I think. Like, we love each other more because of we love him. Sean is totally smitten for the kitten. He's always petting him and the cat totally ignores me when Sean is around. Seamus can even tolerate the cat. And the cat's put on a lot of weight so he's not skin and bones like he was at home with Leia Cat. I loves having him around.
My birthday passed and I finally got to see Jaz so we can celebrate our joint b-days. That was lots of fun. Plus, Sean ended our 3 year fight over flowers by getting me a dozen roses as my gift. It was soooo cute and he really gave me more than flowers, he gave me swallowed pride. We went to the aqarium with my family to celebrate and a very fancy resturant.
My best friend from high school, Lauren, is living in Brooklyn now so we're talking regularly again, which is werid but good, which makes it werider. We've had so many falling outs, but everytime we start talking again it's like nothing happened.

panda_pants @ 2007-05-28T23:52:00

2007-05-29T04:06:22Z

Ok, so I've graduated college. A lot of people I know are freaking out about it all being over, but I've been very nonchalant about it. This might be because I've been living the past year with one foot in the real world, because I've been working and spent my weekends either at home dealing with doctor's appointments etc. or with Sean in Brooklyn. Also, I have my future very much planned out. I have a great apartment with Sean & Seamus, at since they've been here for a few months, there aren't any surprises in store.
I'm all moved in & the kitty is here. He's adjusted better than we thought he would and Sean is head over heels in love. He loves everything about Harry & spends most of his time with me gushing over how cute he is. They are total BFFs. Now, the cat isn't an angel but his quirks are becoming routine.
Sean & I have been amazing lately. I think this has a lot to do with my last therepy session at Purchase. My counselor & I were talking about how I give Sean very high standards to live up to. I said I feel like I have a hole that can never fill. She suggested that I don't let it be filled & flat out told me to give Sean a break. Since then I have felt 100% satisfied with my relationship. I only wish she could have brought this up sooner.
I am trying out for a full-time position at ie & I have no clue how it's going. They have been hiring people with more experience lately but I haven't screwed up yet, and they know I have limited experience so it would be silly for them to bother letting me try out if my background was a deal breaker. We shall see what happens. If I'm hired, the first thing I'm doing, is buying Guitar Hero 2.

panda_pants @ 2007-05-17T01:05:00

2007-05-17T05:20:00Z

Graduating this week and then off to the real world. I'm one of the few people I know moving straight from college to my own place. Most people are staying home to save up, but I'm a lucky ducky who has a boyfriend with an awesome & cheap place that I can just slide right into. Most of my stuff's all ready there. This is a good thing, because like most people I can't stand to be with my parents for an extended period of time. Even if I stay out of their way I still get dragged into their fights and I don't have the patience anymore for their unresolved (and never to be resolved) issues. I've been around more than in recent years and I can get along with them for like three days, then dad gets dickish and mom starts annoying the crap out of me. My mom does make home very inviting, she always has one of your favorite meals cooking and is happy to do your laundry, but she hates a lot of things about her life but cannot change anything. She makes excuse after excuse why she can't get a better job, or can't leave my dad when he makes her wish she was dead, and I think that allowing yourself to be misrable forever is a waste of life. Not that I'm saying she should throw everything away whenever she gets bored, but if your husband makes you want to get cancer and die because then you wouldn't have to deal with him, something has to change. The biggest problem I have with my dad is that he has the power to be a great guy and sometimes he chooses not to. They are both the products of their upbringing. My mom was raised by supportive parents who knew they raised good kids, so while my mom worries I'll be murdered everytime I take the subway, she knows I'll do ok on my own. My father was raised by parents who couldn't say "I'm proud" and really looked down on him when he made a choice they wouldn't make, so he's convinced we'll somehow drop the ball and our lives would be ruined forever. If they are products of how they were raised, and they're so different, I wonder how I'll raise my kids.

panda_pants @ 2007-05-09T13:36:00

2007-05-09T18:08:09Z

I am a big nerd. I'm watching Price is Right and I'm all excited when someone wins. They should all get cars. I remember as a kid, the prizes seemed much more impressive. What will the show be like without Bob Barker? End of an era.
Actually getting responses to the resumes I've been sending out. Mostly reception positions for post-production companies but I would be greeting clients so I'd be networking, I guess. Plus I might learn some post-production stuff, which I'm kind of clueless about, & could use if I ever make my own film. They all need someone friendly and that's me all over.
One job I've decided I'd like is celebrity psychologist cause some of them bitches need some help. Maybe just describing their actions out loud would clue them in that their behavior is insane. They need someone to say "No".
Pretty much done with school. Finished my final draft of the screenplay, just need to print it out and get it signed. Classes have been a non-entity this year and I think Friday will be the end of my internship. Good-bye college.
I can't wait until the cat lives with me. I get lonesome without a kitty. I have been looking up tips to cure his spraying problem to Brooklyn. There's this one product that got good reviews for getting the smell out of carpets called "Stupid Cat". I loves it.
Might see the Fireflies if anyone wants to come too. I haven't seen them in awhile and Sean is a worker bee this weekend.

panda_pants @ 2007-04-26T00:33:00

2007-04-26T04:50:32Z

So I might be offered a real position at Inside Edition. It would be a good gig and I think I want it but I guess since it seems to have come so easily, I'm scared of it. I did work my hardest there, and would have done more if given the chance so I guess I deserve it, but I hope it's the right choice. There are a lot of pros (benefits, a salary I could definately rock, and I think it would be a stepping stone to something really great - maybe something at E! or CNN, depending on what suits me) but it's not a perfect fit. The people are not as ME as I'd like, but there aren't too many ME people. I guess I have to figure out how I want to present myself. Sometimes I will go vulgur to get a laugh but then you can be seen in an unprofessional light. But if you're too innocent people look down on me. I have made a friend who is seems eager to be my pal, I think this person is lonely like I've been but we live in a world where if someone seems to like you, you assume there must be something wrong with them.
I've been lonesome for many reason that are beyond anyone's control. Sean thinks I should look at things from a different angle because I seem to be the only one who doesn't think I have a lot going for me. I think he has trouble comforting me because he doesn't understand how I could feel so low when I have a seemingly perfect life right now (long-term bf, job prospects, a solid living situation, a family who does love me even if dad has trouble showing it sometimes, friends who will take care of me when I really go too far). I guess that's what seperates people who are depressed with people who aren't. I will always feel less than, worthless, unworthy. I will always be waiting for the bottum to drop out from under me.

panda_pants @ 2007-03-20T13:46:00

2007-03-20T19:27:02Z

I'm in a really good mood this week and I have no clue why. I am trying to make steps towards ignoring the little things. I am addressing the fact I don't register "ok". Everything is good or bad. And that's not good because life is mostly ok. Being all or nothing tends me to get a lot of nothing. I push stuff into the bad category if its not perfect, especially in my personal life. I know it's because my dad is very inconsistent and has his bad days and good days and a good day can turn to a bad day very quickly. I think if anything, he taught me not to trust ok because it can go badly. I get very anxious and try to turn into a good which usually makes it a bad.
I have a fear of silence. I can't stand sitting with someone and it just being quiet. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, or I'm not good enough, or I'm going to be replaced by someone who has something interesting to say. My need for attention is my need to feel worthy, to feel like I belong and deserve to be there.
I think my fear of the ok has been stregthen by some bad friends who have made me feel like I will make a mistake no matter what I do, even if I don't know I'm doing anything wrong, so I kind of get on edge when everything's quiet and calm.
Off topic, I should be much more stressed than I actually am, because I have no clue what to do with my senior project and it needs work. I'm working on a new script because its good to distance yourself once in awhile and I'm liking the new one so much better. Maybe I was too ambitious with my topic for the senior project. It's much better than it was but I feel like I'm in a hole I won't be able to get out of in two months.

panda_pants @ 2007-03-02T00:32:00

2007-03-02T05:46:31Z

Sometimes I want to throw in the towell. I feel like no matter how hard I try, in anything, I fuck it up. I will never trust people, as a rule, and I'm always expecting things to crumble before me. I feel like I've been screaming at the top of my lungs for so long and to no avail.
I've been told I have a lot going for me at the moment, but I don't know, I guess I tend to focus on the negative. That no matter how much good is around me, it will never be enough. I feel insasible. I just want a hug but if I get one I'll probably think, how about a kiss as well.
I was told today that a character trait that I've been told is my biggest flaw is actually a great strength. I can't hold myself back from certain fights, for example with my father, because I know he doesnt have to be the way he is. Every fight I start with him, I start to try to get him to see how wrong he is in how he treats his family and I hope he will wake up and change. My mom and brother think I should just let him be because he never will change and it cause less drama to let him get his way, but I can't do that. I was told today that I should never give up hopeing and fight for my father to treat us better even if it is easier to let him get his way.
It's a metaphor for my life I guess. Every day I wake up things will be better but every day I go to sleep feeling stupid and worthless. But there won't be a day when I wake up and things are different, just like there won't be a fight where my dad realizes he's wrong. But I guess if I gave up the fight there wouldn't be much point to anything would there?

panda_pants @ 2007-02-16T07:18:00

2007-02-16T12:31:07Z

My counselor and I discussed my habit of picking up negative friends. I haven't had many BEST friends, I've always been like best friend number two (like, you're my best friend after Jen). Then when I have a best friend, I never feel like I have much say in the manner. It's like they keep coming over so I might as well. They are always bossy and kind like putting me down. All the people who are really kind already have a number one so I feel like I don't have any purpose.
I also always have someone negative that I really can't get rid of because they are a classmate or a co-worker, or a friend's boyfriend, or a boyfriend's friend. They'll make me feel so bad but there's nothing I can do to stop it because it would rock the boat to much, and sometimes cause more problems for me in the process. A lot of times I'm told I only notice the teasing when it's directed at me and the person is just a jerk to everyone, but I guess I always think they are joking with everyone else, but honest with me.
My counselor wanted me to think about what I could be doing to keep this trend alive. What am I getting out of it subconsciencously to continue it. She said that it might be just that it's attention & maybe I think put-downs are the only attention I think I can get. Or maybe I'm willing to settle for less because it hurts too much to always be number two. At least with a bitch best friend I'm always all they have.
I need to know how to assert myself but I'm afraid everytime I do I just get declared a bitch. I don't know how to change that. How do you tell someone they are hurting you without coming off weak or a bitch who can't take a joke?
I personally think my generation is a tad meaner to one another than people have been in the past, though. I mean who doesn't rank on all their friends? I don't know. Maybe everyone feels this way, that they are the only one being really teased.

panda_pants @ 2007-02-01T23:47:00

2007-02-02T04:58:49Z

Have a new job, well, internship really. It's at Inside Edition, the news show and it's right by Columbus Circle. I've been mostly doing research for the investigtion team, but it's something different everyday. The people are nice. I'm hoping it will provide enough diverse experience to make a lot of jobs open to me. I'm going to be so broke when I graduate.
We got a fish last weekend, a beta. His name is General Sherman & I love him so. Sean's really cute about him. He's a very conserned fish-Daddy.
Really wan the semester to be over so I can bes all graduated. I want to start my life.

panda_pants @ 2006-12-06T00:05:00

2006-12-06T04:05:42Z

I am so happy at the moment and I don't know why really. I haven't really worried about anything in almost a week. I don't really know what happened. I just know it started when Sean says something about the joys of not planning everything to death and I felt much better. I don't understand it but the last thing I should be worrying about is if I'm not worrying enough.
The move was this weekend. The moving truck was kind of nightmare (they only had huge ones left) and my dad was not comfortable driving it so he got aggitated easier than usual, an accomplishment. So, then he got me a nervous and we made a wrong turn. Then we got a ticket for parking in front of a fire hydrant. I have to pay half, cause it's my fault I have to move. Jerkface.
However, the apartment is beautiful and pefect. I love everything about it. There's a laundramat on the corner, plus a grocery store and liquor store and a bar, right there. Plus a lovely cafe just a few blocks away that's so cute and pretty cheap. And we went to a Mexican place that was really good.
Oh, also, I have a super cool internship next semester. It's for a production company in the city and I get to actually come up with ideas and help develop others ideas. Hurray! The only bad part is its unpaid and I'm gonna have to get a laptop for I better find a job right after graduation. But I'm confident.

panda_pants @ 2006-09-13T22:44:00

2006-09-14T02:54:34Z

I feel like everything is reaching a cresendo of nothingness. I don't know what's going on next. I'm not sure if it's the stress of travel and the always on the go lifestyle I'm living, or a case of senioritis but something's not right. I getting upset almost everyone second but I don't allow myself to express it so it comes out in bursts during the worst possible moments and in the worst possible way. Need a little help but I don't know what to ask for. Feel out of sync with everything. I'm pessamistic and realistic but I want distraction.

panda_pants @ 2006-07-30T10:10:00

2006-07-30T14:20:04Z

Wow, I should update...
- Working at CA. Basically I'm an administrative assistant. Might turn into a part-time gig during the school year. If I could graduate with a full-time job at a sucessful company with tons of benefits, omg. And I'm learning skills that could lead to anywhere.
- Sean & I are going to DC the weekend of his birthday which also marks 2 and a half years for us! It's my first vacation with a boyfriend and the hotel is so cute.
- I've learned a lot about my grandparents who passed when I was little. I wish they could have lived longer. They were wonderful people. They both have siblings who are still alive so I am forced to wonder "Why do great people have to be so unhealthy sometimes?". I always wish they could have been around to see me in college (Grandma esspecially because she use to type up my stories for me when I was a kid so what would she have thought about me actually getting accepted into a film conservatory for writing?). Also, I wish they could have met Sean and all the other important people in my life. Grandma wrote a little blurb about each day in a calander (Kids came to visit, Had to stay home from work - have bad cold) and I can only wonder "What would she have been writing about if she was alive today?" I also found pics of her as a child, including one with her and my great-great grandpa as well as my great-great-great grandpa. How crazy right?

panda_pants @ 2006-06-22T15:41:00

2006-06-22T20:15:06Z

So I had an interveiw, finally, with Computer Associates and they are 99% sure I can start next week. They just have to do a background check but I am squeaky clean. I'll be working on a lot of training material, which might include a manual but they seem to be wanting me for setting up the online treating. I might work on the "script", so it's writing, sort of. They are one of the Forture 100 greatest places to work and they have all these morale building fun things. Group trips, daily food fun (each day, except tuesday, has a different food they give out like ice cream or bagels or cake), picnics. It's crazy.
I get $10 an hour and time and a half for overtime. Plus there may be an oppurtunity for it to continue into the fall or something.
I'm very excited and hopefully they won't regret hiring me.

panda_pants @ 2006-06-20T01:04:00

2006-06-20T05:15:33Z

So I'm being punished for being a good worker, or something. Patty (my boss) apparently loves me so she puts me on the schedule as much as she can. I have one day off a week and I'm close to full-time (but not full-time cause god knows we can't have the benefits that come with full-time employment) and she said I'm the only one she trusts for the evening shift. I mean, it's great that I can feel secure that she won't fire me or anything (cause she seems to believe in out with old in with the new) but I have no life! When I do get dinner with my parents I have to scarf it down, on my days off I'm too exhausted to do anything, getting home at 11 pm means I can't get to bed for hours. I like the job for what it is, a crappy summer gig, but the schedule is a bitch. She gives people half the amount of hours I get and they aren't allowed to take a shift from me because she doesn't trust them. I just don't know where she gets this opinion of me. She's worked with me less than an hour but I'll take the compliment. She even said I can work there even if I'm home for like a weekend. However, I may piss her off cause Computer Associates waited until 2 two weeks after I got hired to even call me back. I have an interveiw on Wendesday and I'm sure when they do decide to hire me they'll need me like the next day, so no 2 weeks notice, maybe I can work until the next schedule is made up and maybe offer to work a weekend or two. I think she will understand, they'll be giving me more money and skills to get me a real career.

panda_pants @ 2006-06-07T03:15:00

2006-06-07T07:28:41Z

First off, I have a new job. I'm working at Dunkin Donuts and it's not that bad. The Baskin Robbins part is kind of a bitch, but the people are nice and I don't have to wake up early. Plus free donuts and bagels. I run into people from high school once in a while but its not that bad. I saw a girl I use to think was so pretty but was such a bitch and now's she's fat. Made me feel cute, so sue me.
I've discovered half the women in Long Island are Carla from Cheers. Look around people, you'll see what I mean. My new boss, so Carla!
Summer's a hard time for me. I have to be with my family, I have nothing to keep me motivated, Sean's far away, I isolate myself a lot. Plus, my birthday is during summer break and it depresses the crap out of me. It's not the getting older that bums me out, I just feel like it's a lot of pressure. I feel like people show their true colors on your birthday. I always end up feeling like I give a lot more than I get. During the school year there are some people who get big parties and lots of fuss but the summer birthday people get shit. There have been years when I have gotten presents for someone, helped throw them a party, all that stuff when it was their turn and my birthday comes around and not even an email. I really try to believe that you get what u give but my birthday always proves that I'm wrong. It's not like I want a big party or anything, but it probably says a lot, that the best birthday I ever had was the one I spent surrounded by people I had just met.

panda_pants @ 2006-05-30T00:12:00

2006-05-30T04:21:16Z

Some thoughts...
* I need a little man to tell me when I'm being crazy because so many things bother me that might just be my imagination.
* I need to either start getting what I give or stop caring.
* Someone said to me today, "it was nice meeting, your brother is great" what is that suppose to mean?
* I wish I could change everything about myself.
* Why is my house the most soul-sucking place on the planet?
* Do I really want a cashier job?
* I want so much I will never have.
* What if I can have some of that stuff I just think I can't?
* How am I going to fill 3 whole months without going insane?

panda_pants @ 2006-05-24T19:38:00

2006-05-24T23:48:59Z

Life is good for the moment. I haven't found out if I got a job yet but I'm going to call some other places just in case. Might call some driving school. So I am in the mood to accomplish things.
Filming with Sean, Seamus, Dan, and Alex this weekend, which should be fun. Will see the Fire Flies too. Broke down and bought a camera. Went half and half with Al. So I was pretty happy with paying $200 for a brand new camera but then dad got a bonus today so he agreed to give us half so that means I got a camcorder for $100! I'm so spoiled. I might also get a video Ipod for my birthday. Dad showed me his and I fell in love. The video quality is amazing and it holds so much.
I really need this break. I just need to not have to do anything for awhile, but that doesn't mean I'm sitting on my ass. I've written 25 pages of a new play this week and am doing rewrites on my Seamus scene. I also totally rearrange my room (that has a pain in the ass but needed) and went through my closet to find clothes to donate.

panda_pants @ 2006-04-25T12:10:00

2006-04-25T16:24:26Z

Last night was so awesome. I got to go to a bar with 2 of my professors, Dean and Eric, and it was so much fun. I learned a lot about them and was speaking with them like peers or something, not professor/student, not adult/kid, but as writers and filmmakers. They have lives I want so badly. Just jaw-droppingly awesome. They seem very equal also in their support and care for us, no favorites, just some that they have worked with more. Last night should happen more often.
The reason why for hanging out, was because it was the senior showcase in the city. It went really well. We were on the same train as Sean's mom so we went to dinner with her and Sean's sister. It's always nice to hang out with them.

panda_pants @ 2006-03-20T15:34:00

2006-03-20T20:44:46Z

Spring break was pretty damn good. Stayed put but still, so relaxing. Went to Seamus' parents' house for a few days and it was like staying in a mountaintop chateu. The weather was nice, with a slight breeze. The hot tub was always waiting for us to hop in. He has some of the friendliest cats I ever met (Tippy and Killer are the shit, I love them, Lily though is a bitch and watched triumpantly as we left.) He even put out candels for our fancy dinner. Plus Seamus, Sean, and I make a good team. Stayed in the apartment the next week. Few err moments but mostly fine. Every moment though, reminded me more and more why I love Sean. It was like the Honeymoon stage all over again. I'm not allowed to say he doesn't love me for awhile.
I've been feeling very in the middle of things lately. Like people can shift their problems to me. Like if they r annoyed at something they can't control, I get the brunt of it. I don't feel like a victim, more like the bad guy. Like you can't be honest with whoever you have a problem with so somehow I'm responisble for something. It's hard to explain, and I'm only pissed about it because it's happened before. I'm the one you can be mad at when you're really mad at your boyfriend, or your roommate, or yourself. It's obnoxious.
Went home for a night and that was ok. Mom's family came over, always cool. Got a little confused on the Subway but I figured it out. Some of subway system has confusing signs and I couldn't find my way into Penn Station. Now I know I can figure things out if I'm lost though, so that's good.

panda_pants @ 2006-02-15T02:13:00

2006-02-15T07:34:51Z

Valentine's Day was pretty perfect. Sean and I know each other too well. We guessed each other's presents. I'm pretty slick. I knew what he was getting me as soon as he did. He went to Build-a-Bear and got me a cute little dog. He dressed it up in a suit (just like his daddy) and glasses (just like his mommy and daddy). His name is Lord Huggington. How cute, right? Sean loves his scotch, I rule at present getting. Dinner went really well, yummiest burgers I've had in a while. Got some good loving. I love how he gets this big smile before we kiss. Plus Regina got all of us flowers. Couldn't ask for more.
Had a brief acedemic meltdown, was a part-time student for a day, throught not entirely my fault. Had to get a independant study and immediately ran into Dean. He was a saint about it so I'm all set credit-wise. I have this secret fantasy where I get to help him with a film one day. He wants me to film my tire scene, which pisses Seamus off, but the boy will have his moment in the sun one day. The scene is closer to my heart. I love my friends but classic Hollywood is something I could eat, sleep, and breath. The scene is kind of Cary Grant/Kathrine Hepburn inspired. I think it's cute and fun, Dean agrees.
Had a blast from the past this weekend. Saw people I hadn't seen in a year or two. Got some closure but will always worry about acceptance. Just felt, understood I guess. Got some ego boosts. Found out I've been considered "hot shit" by some and I haven't lost my looks as I sometimes fear. Petite, redheads with glasses are apparently a fantasy for some. Got complimented on my glasses a bunch of times at Dan's party (random right?).

panda_pants @ 2006-01-26T01:20:00

2006-01-26T06:56:08Z

I hate people I have no say about knowing. They always piss me off and I can't really say anything because it never improves the situation. You know, classmates you can't get rid of, a friend of a friend that can only be removed if you cut out the great person too. I hate one of my best friend's boyfriend. He drives me crazy but have to see him every day. If I want to avoid him I have to either lock myself in my room or avoid my apartment all together. He jokes in a way that I don't like and no matter how much people says he doesn't mean it, I don't care. Plus I know he does things just to piss me off and I don't think it's right. Mostly because I don't have a real choice as to when and how often I see him. If I want to be in my own living room, I have to see him. Plus, there's this battle that those boys have too much say in the goings on in the apartment so I am not giving him privledge over the living room. But how do I go about fixing things? When I have asked him not to do things he's done them anyway or at least talked about doing it to see my reaction. I can't say to a friend that this person they love drives me crazy. Sean offered to talk to him but hasn't been alone with him since I've gotten mad and I feel like that the more time that passes the less likely its going to be discussed. Nothing against Sean, I think the window is only open for a day and then it fades from the third party's mind. If he does, fine, great, we'll just see if it does anything.

panda_pants @ 2006-01-12T03:44:00

2006-01-12T09:11:20Z

I hate winter break. It's always the worse time of the year. Nothing bad has happened but I still feel depressed every night. The house is always cold so I have to wear the same sweatshirt everyday and feel ugly. There are days I don't even want to brush my hair because I don't see the point. When alone I am almost afraid of falling asleep at night like a normal person but then feel like a failure/slob if I get up much later than noon. Miss Sean so much but the phone is no way for us to communicate. I know he hates the phone so that's a lot of pressure for me to think of reasons for him to stay on the line but that just turns into me saying I miss him 50 times and I'm sure that's annoying. There is an incredible difference between being with your love and talking to them on the phone. My mind is always going and I hate it. I put too much pressure on people. I'm always waiting for them to let me down. I don't trust myself enough to trust other people. I don't think I am worthy of love and attention and proper treatment so I don't expect it from people and don't know how to accept it when it comes my way. When some one does something wonderful for me, I forget it the next day, not because I don't appreciate it but because I am sure they will have changed their mind about me during the night. It's such a stupid way to live! I am always looking for reasons to be misrable. I don't trust the in-between times. If someone isn't doing something nice for me than they must be thinking bad things about me. Like "Sean isn't sitting next to me, he must want to break up" and then I dwell or probe and that kind of behavior is bound to cause a fight. I just want to better myself but I don't know where to start. I'm just tired of being scared all the time. I'm tired of waiting for it all to get pulled out from under me, as much as every counselor has told me it's natural considering my father.
I am doing much better than usual for a home trip. But at four in the morning my mind starts to wander. I can be independant, I can be loving, I can be easy to get along with, I guess I just fear the undeserved stuff. Like people will randomly go crazy and do things that hurt me terribly.

panda_pants @ 2005-12-27T15:37:00

2005-12-27T20:56:52Z

Get to see Sean on Friday, staying at his parents' house for the weekend. Might be interesting. We're gonna do something in the city so I don't have to transfer trains. Miss him sooooo much. Christmas went well. Went to my Aunt Jayne's parents' house. They are too cute! We sang caroles! Hung out with my cousin Erin mostly. She has an awesome new job with Dreamworks in the animation department. She's going to have to know how every character moves and works so she can teach the animators. It's cool cause she gets to help on every movie they make but if it ends up sucking its in no way her fault, lol. Her boyfriend also has a pretty cool job, he's on the Narnia team so he sent Team Narnia hats for everyone. Her and Rich and Jayne came over yesturday too and Cliff stayed with us Christmas Eve and Christmas. Mom made one of my favorite meals, potato soup, so yummy. And everyone got cool presents. Dad got tivo, Mom got a new dvd player, and Alex got Titus on dvd, a show that was cancelled before its time. I got a lot of cute stuff. Didn't ask for much so I got some posters and cute jammies, some really nice earrings, a book about old hollywood, and a lot of other stuff. Plus money, always good. Unfortunately the day after Christmas I finally decided I might need an Ipod. I might ask for nano for my birthday. Just tired of buying batteries for my cd player.
Got in a fight with dad because he wanted me to get better grades. I thought I did just fine, just not as good as last semester but he's under the impression that if I'm going to take 5 years of college I should be getting straight A's especially since I did prove I can do it. We agree I could try to do a second draft of my documentary and hopefully it will up that grade since it was the lowest. When I told him how much a year would cost if I was an RA, he decided it was acceptable, but just because you apply to be an RA doesn't mean you get it. But, since there's nothing I can really do to better my chances right now, I'll wait until then to really worry about it. He just won't be happy unless I graduate next semester which is not happening. Mom might punch up the numbers to prove even with my fifth year, Alex's college is still about the same price so it's fair.

panda_pants @ 2005-12-09T11:12:00

2005-12-09T16:29:56Z

So, my grandpa died last night, so I am officially grandparentless. He had a stroke, he had one before, right around when my grandmother died a little less than a year and a half ago. Strokes are a terrible thing. They seem to always effect you in the way that is most damaging to you as a person. My grandpa was always proud of how much he knew, he was always reading history books, couldn't get enough of them. However, when he had the first stroke, all the facts started running together and he couldn't read anymore, his eyes and brain just wouldn't coordinate. Grandpa was 3 weeks away from his 90th birthday, so we knew he could go at anytime. He really missed my grandma and acted like his life was over anyway. He moved across the country to get away from the memories and told us he was too old to make friends at his new home. He did a lot with his life and was a sucessful guy. He traveled the world and had a marriage that lasted almost 60 years. He was a stubborn guy but what male isn't in my family? He would tease but would always laugh about it so you knew he wasn't too serious about it.
Death seems to bring my family together. I think it scares and humbles my father. If someone dies he immediately undoes any dickish things he's currently doing. Over Thanksgiving we had a big fight about money, so he said with the money Grandpa left us, I don't have to worry anymore, but I still have to try to be an RA. My dad has such a morbid sense of humor so we were joking around about him taking Grandpa's ashes back to New York with him and I told him not to shake them. He laughed and laughed. With his inheritence he wants to take mom to somewhere nice, Hawaii or Europe. It's horrible that we immediately think about money but it's just me trying to find something positive. My mom did a lot for her father-in-law and its nice that he is in some way able to reward her for that. Plus dad will be easier to live with if he doesnt have to stress so much.

panda_pants @ 2005-11-07T00:24:00

2005-11-07T05:43:29Z

Did you ever have like a really realistic and horrible dream and wake up with those feelings still inside? Like if you dream your best friend betrayed you or your boyfriend cheated on you and the next day you feel werid around them, even though they didn't do anything in real life? That's the best way to describe how I felt Friday morning. One second my world was crumbling and the next its back to where its always been but a small part of my brain is still in the hellzone. I was so angry and not I'm not allowed to be (without being unfair and crazy). I don't know what to do with all the rage I built up for five minutes. I feel like things are still different but that's dumb. Everyone has said I shouldn't obsess over it and they are right. I should be thanking God everything is okay but I am so confused. Maybe it's a fear of having something like that actually happen.
Time to stop being cryptic! Got a lot done this week or at least got a chance to look at all I've accomplished. I have my screenplay more or less finished, it's 34 pages has a clear spine that doesn't have any awkward jumps or missing shit, all I have to do is clean things up. I have the basics for my documentary on my computer and I'm trying to call out all but the most essential 15 minutes (I went from 90 minute interveiw to 35 minutes of good stuff to 20 minutes of the better stuff). After that I add music and voice-over and that should be good. I have 5 more chapters to read for Human Sexuality and then I'm done for the whole semester with that class (except studying for the two test). Then all I have is whatever Dean assigns. I think I can keep my sanity if that's all I have to do.