So, I should update this thing, right? Working at IE as a real staff member (can't type the real name or the PR people get an e-mail. It's freaky-deaky). Didn't get the position I wanted, but it's a job. I'm in the library, not the news room, which is like another planet when you compare the two. People are nice and friendly and my boss is really supportive. Everyday he tells us we did a great job. The job itself is nothing I can't handle. It's one of things that takes practice to get in a groove but nothing hard. I watch tapes and log what's on them, which means I write a little description and mark when all the major events happens, which is usually pretty easy but sometimes it's life 5 seconds of this celebrity, 5 seconds of that celebrity for an hour, which is annoying but whateves. It's part-time which is annoying, but I'll survive and I am still keeping an eye out cause bitch I need benefits and a consistent paycheck cause I'm a grown-up.
Been living with Sean for almost 2 months and it's been great. We've really gotten into a groove. The Harry cat is with us and that helps a lot I think. Like, we love each other more because of we love him. Sean is totally smitten for the kitten. He's always petting him and the cat totally ignores me when Sean is around. Seamus can even tolerate the cat. And the cat's put on a lot of weight so he's not skin and bones like he was at home with Leia Cat. I loves having him around.
My birthday passed and I finally got to see Jaz so we can celebrate our joint b-days. That was lots of fun. Plus, Sean ended our 3 year fight over flowers by getting me a dozen roses as my gift. It was soooo cute and he really gave me more than flowers, he gave me swallowed pride. We went to the aqarium with my family to celebrate and a very fancy resturant.
My best friend from high school, Lauren, is living in Brooklyn now so we're talking regularly again, which is werid but good, which makes it werider. We've had so many falling outs, but everytime we start talking again it's like nothing happened.

Ok, so I've graduated college. A lot of people I know are freaking out about it all being over, but I've been very nonchalant about it. This might be because I've been living the past year with one foot in the real world, because I've been working and spent my weekends either at home dealing with doctor's appointments etc. or with Sean in Brooklyn. Also, I have my future very much planned out. I have a great apartment with Sean & Seamus, at since they've been here for a few months, there aren't any surprises in store.
I'm all moved in & the kitty is here. He's adjusted better than we thought he would and Sean is head over heels in love. He loves everything about Harry & spends most of his time with me gushing over how cute he is. They are total BFFs. Now, the cat isn't an angel but his quirks are becoming routine.
Sean & I have been amazing lately. I think this has a lot to do with my last therepy session at Purchase. My counselor & I were talking about how I give Sean very high standards to live up to. I said I feel like I have a hole that can never fill. She suggested that I don't let it be filled & flat out told me to give Sean a break. Since then I have felt 100% satisfied with my relationship. I only wish she could have brought this up sooner.
I am trying out for a full-time position at ie & I have no clue how it's going. They have been hiring people with more experience lately but I haven't screwed up yet, and they know I have limited experience so it would be silly for them to bother letting me try out if my background was a deal breaker. We shall see what happens. If I'm hired, the first thing I'm doing, is buying Guitar Hero 2.

Graduating this week and then off to the real world. I'm one of the few people I know moving straight from college to my own place. Most people are staying home to save up, but I'm a lucky ducky who has a boyfriend with an awesome & cheap place that I can just slide right into. Most of my stuff's all ready there. This is a good thing, because like most people I can't stand to be with my parents for an extended period of time. Even if I stay out of their way I still get dragged into their fights and I don't have the patience anymore for their unresolved (and never to be resolved) issues. I've been around more than in recent years and I can get along with them for like three days, then dad gets dickish and mom starts annoying the crap out of me. My mom does make home very inviting, she always has one of your favorite meals cooking and is happy to do your laundry, but she hates a lot of things about her life but cannot change anything. She makes excuse after excuse why she can't get a better job, or can't leave my dad when he makes her wish she was dead, and I think that allowing yourself to be misrable forever is a waste of life. Not that I'm saying she should throw everything away whenever she gets bored, but if your husband makes you want to get cancer and die because then you wouldn't have to deal with him, something has to change. The biggest problem I have with my dad is that he has the power to be a great guy and sometimes he chooses not to. They are both the products of their upbringing. My mom was raised by supportive parents who knew they raised good kids, so while my mom worries I'll be murdered everytime I take the subway, she knows I'll do ok on my own. My father was raised by parents who couldn't say "I'm proud" and really looked down on him when he made a choice they wouldn't make, so he's convinced we'll somehow drop the ball and our lives would be ruined forever. If they are products of how they were raised, and they're so different, I wonder how I'll raise my kids.

I am a big nerd. I'm watching Price is Right and I'm all excited when someone wins. They should all get cars. I remember as a kid, the prizes seemed much more impressive. What will the show be like without Bob Barker? End of an era.
Actually getting responses to the resumes I've been sending out. Mostly reception positions for post-production companies but I would be greeting clients so I'd be networking, I guess. Plus I might learn some post-production stuff, which I'm kind of clueless about, & could use if I ever make my own film. They all need someone friendly and that's me all over.
One job I've decided I'd like is celebrity psychologist cause some of them bitches need some help. Maybe just describing their actions out loud would clue them in that their behavior is insane. They need someone to say "No".
Pretty much done with school. Finished my final draft of the screenplay, just need to print it out and get it signed. Classes have been a non-entity this year and I think Friday will be the end of my internship. Good-bye college.
I can't wait until the cat lives with me. I get lonesome without a kitty. I have been looking up tips to cure his spraying problem to Brooklyn. There's this one product that got good reviews for getting the smell out of carpets called "Stupid Cat". I loves it.
Might see the Fireflies if anyone wants to come too. I haven't seen them in awhile and Sean is a worker bee this weekend.

So I might be offered a real position at Inside Edition. It would be a good gig and I think I want it but I guess since it seems to have come so easily, I'm scared of it. I did work my hardest there, and would have done more if given the chance so I guess I deserve it, but I hope it's the right choice. There are a lot of pros (benefits, a salary I could definately rock, and I think it would be a stepping stone to something really great - maybe something at E! or CNN, depending on what suits me) but it's not a perfect fit. The people are not as ME as I'd like, but there aren't too many ME people. I guess I have to figure out how I want to present myself. Sometimes I will go vulgur to get a laugh but then you can be seen in an unprofessional light. But if you're too innocent people look down on me. I have made a friend who is seems eager to be my pal, I think this person is lonely like I've been but we live in a world where if someone seems to like you, you assume there must be something wrong with them.
I've been lonesome for many reason that are beyond anyone's control. Sean thinks I should look at things from a different angle because I seem to be the only one who doesn't think I have a lot going for me. I think he has trouble comforting me because he doesn't understand how I could feel so low when I have a seemingly perfect life right now (long-term bf, job prospects, a solid living situation, a family who does love me even if dad has trouble showing it sometimes, friends who will take care of me when I really go too far). I guess that's what seperates people who are depressed with people who aren't. I will always feel less than, worthless, unworthy. I will always be waiting for the bottum to drop out from under me.

I'm in a really good mood this week and I have no clue why. I am trying to make steps towards ignoring the little things. I am addressing the fact I don't register "ok". Everything is good or bad. And that's not good because life is mostly ok. Being all or nothing tends me to get a lot of nothing. I push stuff into the bad category if its not perfect, especially in my personal life. I know it's because my dad is very inconsistent and has his bad days and good days and a good day can turn to a bad day very quickly. I think if anything, he taught me not to trust ok because it can go badly. I get very anxious and try to turn into a good which usually makes it a bad.
I have a fear of silence. I can't stand sitting with someone and it just being quiet. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, or I'm not good enough, or I'm going to be replaced by someone who has something interesting to say. My need for attention is my need to feel worthy, to feel like I belong and deserve to be there.
I think my fear of the ok has been stregthen by some bad friends who have made me feel like I will make a mistake no matter what I do, even if I don't know I'm doing anything wrong, so I kind of get on edge when everything's quiet and calm.
Off topic, I should be much more stressed than I actually am, because I have no clue what to do with my senior project and it needs work. I'm working on a new script because its good to distance yourself once in awhile and I'm liking the new one so much better. Maybe I was too ambitious with my topic for the senior project. It's much better than it was but I feel like I'm in a hole I won't be able to get out of in two months.

Sometimes I want to throw in the towell. I feel like no matter how hard I try, in anything, I fuck it up. I will never trust people, as a rule, and I'm always expecting things to crumble before me. I feel like I've been screaming at the top of my lungs for so long and to no avail.
I've been told I have a lot going for me at the moment, but I don't know, I guess I tend to focus on the negative. That no matter how much good is around me, it will never be enough. I feel insasible. I just want a hug but if I get one I'll probably think, how about a kiss as well.
I was told today that a character trait that I've been told is my biggest flaw is actually a great strength. I can't hold myself back from certain fights, for example with my father, because I know he doesnt have to be the way he is. Every fight I start with him, I start to try to get him to see how wrong he is in how he treats his family and I hope he will wake up and change. My mom and brother think I should just let him be because he never will change and it cause less drama to let him get his way, but I can't do that. I was told today that I should never give up hopeing and fight for my father to treat us better even if it is easier to let him get his way.
It's a metaphor for my life I guess. Every day I wake up things will be better but every day I go to sleep feeling stupid and worthless. But there won't be a day when I wake up and things are different, just like there won't be a fight where my dad realizes he's wrong. But I guess if I gave up the fight there wouldn't be much point to anything would there?

My counselor and I discussed my habit of picking up negative friends. I haven't had many BEST friends, I've always been like best friend number two (like, you're my best friend after Jen). Then when I have a best friend, I never feel like I have much say in the manner. It's like they keep coming over so I might as well. They are always bossy and kind like putting me down. All the people who are really kind already have a number one so I feel like I don't have any purpose.
I also always have someone negative that I really can't get rid of because they are a classmate or a co-worker, or a friend's boyfriend, or a boyfriend's friend. They'll make me feel so bad but there's nothing I can do to stop it because it would rock the boat to much, and sometimes cause more problems for me in the process. A lot of times I'm told I only notice the teasing when it's directed at me and the person is just a jerk to everyone, but I guess I always think they are joking with everyone else, but honest with me.
My counselor wanted me to think about what I could be doing to keep this trend alive. What am I getting out of it subconsciencously to continue it. She said that it might be just that it's attention & maybe I think put-downs are the only attention I think I can get. Or maybe I'm willing to settle for less because it hurts too much to always be number two. At least with a bitch best friend I'm always all they have.
I need to know how to assert myself but I'm afraid everytime I do I just get declared a bitch. I don't know how to change that. How do you tell someone they are hurting you without coming off weak or a bitch who can't take a joke?
I personally think my generation is a tad meaner to one another than people have been in the past, though. I mean who doesn't rank on all their friends? I don't know. Maybe everyone feels this way, that they are the only one being really teased.

Have a new job, well, internship really. It's at Inside Edition, the news show and it's right by Columbus Circle. I've been mostly doing research for the investigtion team, but it's something different everyday. The people are nice. I'm hoping it will provide enough diverse experience to make a lot of jobs open to me. I'm going to be so broke when I graduate.
We got a fish last weekend, a beta. His name is General Sherman & I love him so. Sean's really cute about him. He's a very conserned fish-Daddy.
Really wan the semester to be over so I can bes all graduated. I want to start my life.

I am so happy at the moment and I don't know why really. I haven't really worried about anything in almost a week. I don't really know what happened. I just know it started when Sean says something about the joys of not planning everything to death and I felt much better. I don't understand it but the last thing I should be worrying about is if I'm not worrying enough.
The move was this weekend. The moving truck was kind of nightmare (they only had huge ones left) and my dad was not comfortable driving it so he got aggitated easier than usual, an accomplishment. So, then he got me a nervous and we made a wrong turn. Then we got a ticket for parking in front of a fire hydrant. I have to pay half, cause it's my fault I have to move. Jerkface.
However, the apartment is beautiful and pefect. I love everything about it. There's a laundramat on the corner, plus a grocery store and liquor store and a bar, right there. Plus a lovely cafe just a few blocks away that's so cute and pretty cheap. And we went to a Mexican place that was really good.
Oh, also, I have a super cool internship next semester. It's for a production company in the city and I get to actually come up with ideas and help develop others ideas. Hurray! The only bad part is its unpaid and I'm gonna have to get a laptop for I better find a job right after graduation. But I'm confident.